You all should probably read this
Apr 1, 2021 9:15:09 GMT -6
tippwarrior, tylercheesey, and 1 more like this
Post by PrincessJessi on Apr 1, 2021 9:15:09 GMT -6
Trigger warning - Adult language and content. If you are easily triggered by adult content due to age, religion, moral obligation, past experience or otherwise have delicate sensibilities, you should probably not go much further. On the other hand literally everything to do with the future of the forum might be decided here so it might be worth your time to read it anyway. Use your own discretion. Some of what I say might be highly and rightfully triggering to some individuals.
This is also pretty long winded.. I really appreciate any of you who take the time to read this in its entirety as this is the product of several hours of intense focus for me but I will mark a spot where you should really start reading either way.
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Where to start.... to be honest, I am not sure exactly what to say... I have known I wanted to say.... something... anything.. everything.... for so long now.. but honestly, idk what to say or how to address my issues.. so I am just going to be honest...
When I created the forum I had a pretty specific idea in mind.. the layout was a lil sketchy but otherwise I knew what I wanted.. I wanted a way to roleplay... to get something the game doesn't offer.. and a way for people playing on different maps at different paces and play styles to interact with one another in a way meaningful to the productivity to their farm.. Seems fairly straight forward and it really was in the beginning.. The hardest part was figuring out the structure for the forum and getting people to notice.. I did both of those things within my capabilities.. I tried to make sure you all had access to any tools and guides I could provide to make the forum usable.. clear easy to follow rules.. It all seemed well and good.... except it wasn't..
No one was really doing much.. Doesn't seem like a big deal but for the forum to work the way intended we needed traffic.. we needed people using it.. So I started doing things to try to generate traffic.. it wasn't long at all before the "dealership" was born.. And compared to the community listings, it generated a LOT of traffic... so I changed what I listed and how I listed it.. and how much I listed.. then I added this or that in attempts to get people to find more reasons to use the forum... Everything grew so damn much so fast.. everything except what needed to grow... people using the forum... and what the hell exactly am I supposed to do about it.. that is the resounding question.. for me there has never been a simple answer.. I am not exactly a "social" person.. I don't like social media.. don't follow groups and have absolutely no patience for people in general (hence my very specific rules about how we treat each other).. so how in the hell was I supposed to do what I knew needed done.. in the only way I know how.. adding stuff.. changing stuff... hopefully making it something people take note of... So that is what I did.. I added stuff..
Everything I have said probably seems pretty obvious to anyone reading this who has been around thru most of this forums life.. Its the stuff that I have never said (proof reading that line made me laugh cause of an episode of futurama, some of you will know).. Like how fucking frustrating it was to put out dozens of listings a day.. add tons of stuff and try to do and learn stuff thats beyond me.. like.. a forum.. just to get.. nothing... so much of what I was doing even at the height of our activity here on the forum, seemed largely unnoticed.. I am not sure how to put a word to the feeling... disappointed doesn't do it justice.. crushed seems dramatic... idk.. think of something in the middle and that is how I felt.. and all the while I have grown this forum into a damn monstrosity.. My health had been headed down a dark road already and it was fixing to come to a head.. and here I had this thing that I had grown beyond my ability and desire to keep up.. I was physically and mentally exhausted and completely unsure what to do about anything at this point, much less this forum..
Then my fucking pancreas ate itself.. I mean.. not at first.. started as pancreatitus.. to be fair, in a way it was self inflicted.. but certainly not intentional.. it was just abdominal pain.. I didn't know exactly what was wrong but it had happened before and usually went away after about a week.. by the time I finally agreed to have an ambulance called I literally couldn't do anything.. sleep.. eat.. sit.. stand.. NOTHING.. it was a level 10 pain just trying to exist.. I was 2 1/2 weeks into that episode! My grandpa told me as a kid that I was as tough as leather, as hard as a bent nail and twice as stubborn.. my attending doc at the local ER said that if I had waited even hours longer I would not be here.. I was in full on organ failure by this point.. Every single indication my body gave was that of an suffering from lifelong, extreme alcoholism and their body was simply giving up.. all the evidence was really convincing except.... I don't drink.. haven't in YEARS and never outside of a social setting.. I have never found much comfort at the bottom of a bottle.. so I don't tend to see them often.. Everything that has happened is some sort of mystery.. scooby fucking doo over here.. and the rest is simply history.. many many complications caused by the damage done to my organs, especially anything involved with my digestive system.. In and out of the hospital on medicine that makes my current morphine regime seem like dime store Tylenol by comparison.. several stints in the ICU and in and out of the hospital in another state getting procedures to try to correct some of the damage so I can at least... live..
And here we are.. in 2021! I mean... fuck it... I will say it... we survived 2020.. the most fucked up year in living memory.. Thanks to the careful hand of one of the most talented, young GI specialists in the United States and his team, I survived 2020... honestly we really weren't sure 2021 was going to be a thing for me.. and here we are wrapping up the first quarter of the year and I am doing as well/better than I have since this all started for me.. But I have reached my peek it would seem.. The damage done to me is extensive and will never heal fully.. I just have to be ok with the quality of life I have.. And its hard sometimes.. I still hurt so bad more often than not.. and eating is a nightmare! I am battling an unintentional eating disorder.. eating (ingesting) anything.. fucking water even... causes me so much pain that I honestly avoid it as much as I can.. And when I do eat we are shoving high carb/calorie/protein/fat foods in me just to keep me from continuing to lose weight.. at this point red skull from MCU has better hips than me.. and mentally.. I am constantly scared of eating.. of the next pancreas attack being the one that finishes me off.. of having more hoses and shit coming in and out of my body.. I had terrible nightmares for over a month after they gave me a freaking blood transfusion.. this whole thing has broken me.. my calm and measure comes from years of not knowing any other way.. tons of practice.. inside I feel so useless and.. empty.. I have nothing left to give this world... I sit here and watch this forum slowly die.. I even watch my own family suffer here at home trying to keep me upright and going.. financially.. mentally.. physically.. they are as exhausted as I am.. and I feel so helpless to stop any of it... to help.. to do anything other than try to enjoy the few good moments I have doing things I enjoy.. This all leads to some pretty dark thoughts that I won't detail for obvious reasons but I am sure most of you will understand...
HERE
and here we are... full circle.. it was bit long winded but we have reached the point all of you wanted to read.. the future... the dramatic climax to the cluster fuck that was my 2020 and the mess it made of everything.. and the summery of it all... I can't do it anymore... not in its current state and not alone.. This forum grew into something I don't enjoy and I lost control of it (from my perspective, its not like you guys are a toxic community, thank the powers that be!).. Its a piss poor shadow of what it could be, even with the number of active users we have.. now don't get confused.. I am NOT blaming any of you for this... that would just be silly.. I don't suppose its fair for me to bare the burden of guilt alone but.. it is what it is... I watched from a distance while the forum slowly died all fucking year.. if it wasn't for Bryan83 it would have already died... he has grasped at straws from his phone and xbone trying to keep things moving.. it just hasn't happened.. doesn't seem like its going to.. With how I am socially it probably never was going to.. sure I need/needed help growing the forum in sheer numbers but ultimately I would need to lead the charge in one way or anther and I just am not up to that... I was in the beginning but now... there just isn't enough of me to manage some big forum.. hell I have a hard time making sense of what we have here now.. yea I know.. I seem like a dumb ass who bit off more than they can chew.. but before you judge me please ask yourself if you could have done better while trying not to die and having your mind all dulled and fucked up by a constant flow of shit like dilaudid, morphine and oxycotton to name a few.. ask yourself if after all that... would you even want to??
I do... I still believe this forum can be what I meant it to be.. just... never in the numbers I thought.. I mean.. with a few dedicated moderators on here and other media I suppose it could happen.. but honestly at this point I don't give a shit one way or the other... I want the forum to be fun again... the hype I built in the beginning before I fucked it all up trying to make it something else.. so my idea.. its a big thing... I want to purge the forum... I wont touch ANYTHING in the community area... I see no need to.. but most of the rest of this shit can go.. and I want to break away from it being an open forum.. I want our users to be more deliberate with using our forum.. My plan is to build a whole world around roleplay.. none of this just using it to get free or cheap stuff.. removing the dealership from the spotlight entirely... the only reason I don't remove it entirely is because I believe that to varying degrees, bryan enjoys playing with it and there are certain functions it can and likely will serve for the the more focused roleplay...
The biggest change I think isn't even the purge tho.. its how we do things around here and who does them... or even who is around to do them.. I have ideas... some amazing stuff mulling around in there.. I know a lot of you do too... there is a song by Alan Walker called Unity that I really really like... Its such a beautiful uplifting song.. and the best part.. its a creation of the "walker" community... many people were involved in the creation of the song and you can tell.. to me it just makes it that much better.. that is how I see the future of the forum.. a group "project"... I want to find a few people who are really into roleplay who want to help see this place into its potential.. we grow it slow and organically.. we don't force it.. but I can't and absolutely wont do it alone.. If you like this forum and what I have tried to do at any point, now would be the time to speak up and make your ideas heard.. this is the chance to change and build the forum from the ground up knowing what we know now.. I am begging... one last time.. I humbly ask each one of you to help me.. The only other viable option is just for me to close the forum and go on about life... but that... well without even the risk of being over dramatic.. that would be crushing for me... I have already lost so much of my life from before getting sick... I don't wanna lose this too... this forum ultimately means more to me than you know.. at this point in my life it represents so much more than a game.. Please... give me your time.. give me your ideas and brilliance.. a bit your of your dedication and potential... please do that I an swear on everything I love in this world that we can do it.. please.. take the time to mull it all over... consider what you could bring to the table.. be it a bit of time.. ideas.. whatever... talk here.. I will monitor this thread closely... we can decide where to go from here.. but please please.. if you are gonna be a judgmental bag of dicks, please just don't and see yourself to the door instead because I don't want you here!
This is also pretty long winded.. I really appreciate any of you who take the time to read this in its entirety as this is the product of several hours of intense focus for me but I will mark a spot where you should really start reading either way.
*
*
*
*
*
Where to start.... to be honest, I am not sure exactly what to say... I have known I wanted to say.... something... anything.. everything.... for so long now.. but honestly, idk what to say or how to address my issues.. so I am just going to be honest...
When I created the forum I had a pretty specific idea in mind.. the layout was a lil sketchy but otherwise I knew what I wanted.. I wanted a way to roleplay... to get something the game doesn't offer.. and a way for people playing on different maps at different paces and play styles to interact with one another in a way meaningful to the productivity to their farm.. Seems fairly straight forward and it really was in the beginning.. The hardest part was figuring out the structure for the forum and getting people to notice.. I did both of those things within my capabilities.. I tried to make sure you all had access to any tools and guides I could provide to make the forum usable.. clear easy to follow rules.. It all seemed well and good.... except it wasn't..
No one was really doing much.. Doesn't seem like a big deal but for the forum to work the way intended we needed traffic.. we needed people using it.. So I started doing things to try to generate traffic.. it wasn't long at all before the "dealership" was born.. And compared to the community listings, it generated a LOT of traffic... so I changed what I listed and how I listed it.. and how much I listed.. then I added this or that in attempts to get people to find more reasons to use the forum... Everything grew so damn much so fast.. everything except what needed to grow... people using the forum... and what the hell exactly am I supposed to do about it.. that is the resounding question.. for me there has never been a simple answer.. I am not exactly a "social" person.. I don't like social media.. don't follow groups and have absolutely no patience for people in general (hence my very specific rules about how we treat each other).. so how in the hell was I supposed to do what I knew needed done.. in the only way I know how.. adding stuff.. changing stuff... hopefully making it something people take note of... So that is what I did.. I added stuff..
Everything I have said probably seems pretty obvious to anyone reading this who has been around thru most of this forums life.. Its the stuff that I have never said (proof reading that line made me laugh cause of an episode of futurama, some of you will know).. Like how fucking frustrating it was to put out dozens of listings a day.. add tons of stuff and try to do and learn stuff thats beyond me.. like.. a forum.. just to get.. nothing... so much of what I was doing even at the height of our activity here on the forum, seemed largely unnoticed.. I am not sure how to put a word to the feeling... disappointed doesn't do it justice.. crushed seems dramatic... idk.. think of something in the middle and that is how I felt.. and all the while I have grown this forum into a damn monstrosity.. My health had been headed down a dark road already and it was fixing to come to a head.. and here I had this thing that I had grown beyond my ability and desire to keep up.. I was physically and mentally exhausted and completely unsure what to do about anything at this point, much less this forum..
Then my fucking pancreas ate itself.. I mean.. not at first.. started as pancreatitus.. to be fair, in a way it was self inflicted.. but certainly not intentional.. it was just abdominal pain.. I didn't know exactly what was wrong but it had happened before and usually went away after about a week.. by the time I finally agreed to have an ambulance called I literally couldn't do anything.. sleep.. eat.. sit.. stand.. NOTHING.. it was a level 10 pain just trying to exist.. I was 2 1/2 weeks into that episode! My grandpa told me as a kid that I was as tough as leather, as hard as a bent nail and twice as stubborn.. my attending doc at the local ER said that if I had waited even hours longer I would not be here.. I was in full on organ failure by this point.. Every single indication my body gave was that of an suffering from lifelong, extreme alcoholism and their body was simply giving up.. all the evidence was really convincing except.... I don't drink.. haven't in YEARS and never outside of a social setting.. I have never found much comfort at the bottom of a bottle.. so I don't tend to see them often.. Everything that has happened is some sort of mystery.. scooby fucking doo over here.. and the rest is simply history.. many many complications caused by the damage done to my organs, especially anything involved with my digestive system.. In and out of the hospital on medicine that makes my current morphine regime seem like dime store Tylenol by comparison.. several stints in the ICU and in and out of the hospital in another state getting procedures to try to correct some of the damage so I can at least... live..
And here we are.. in 2021! I mean... fuck it... I will say it... we survived 2020.. the most fucked up year in living memory.. Thanks to the careful hand of one of the most talented, young GI specialists in the United States and his team, I survived 2020... honestly we really weren't sure 2021 was going to be a thing for me.. and here we are wrapping up the first quarter of the year and I am doing as well/better than I have since this all started for me.. But I have reached my peek it would seem.. The damage done to me is extensive and will never heal fully.. I just have to be ok with the quality of life I have.. And its hard sometimes.. I still hurt so bad more often than not.. and eating is a nightmare! I am battling an unintentional eating disorder.. eating (ingesting) anything.. fucking water even... causes me so much pain that I honestly avoid it as much as I can.. And when I do eat we are shoving high carb/calorie/protein/fat foods in me just to keep me from continuing to lose weight.. at this point red skull from MCU has better hips than me.. and mentally.. I am constantly scared of eating.. of the next pancreas attack being the one that finishes me off.. of having more hoses and shit coming in and out of my body.. I had terrible nightmares for over a month after they gave me a freaking blood transfusion.. this whole thing has broken me.. my calm and measure comes from years of not knowing any other way.. tons of practice.. inside I feel so useless and.. empty.. I have nothing left to give this world... I sit here and watch this forum slowly die.. I even watch my own family suffer here at home trying to keep me upright and going.. financially.. mentally.. physically.. they are as exhausted as I am.. and I feel so helpless to stop any of it... to help.. to do anything other than try to enjoy the few good moments I have doing things I enjoy.. This all leads to some pretty dark thoughts that I won't detail for obvious reasons but I am sure most of you will understand...
HERE
and here we are... full circle.. it was bit long winded but we have reached the point all of you wanted to read.. the future... the dramatic climax to the cluster fuck that was my 2020 and the mess it made of everything.. and the summery of it all... I can't do it anymore... not in its current state and not alone.. This forum grew into something I don't enjoy and I lost control of it (from my perspective, its not like you guys are a toxic community, thank the powers that be!).. Its a piss poor shadow of what it could be, even with the number of active users we have.. now don't get confused.. I am NOT blaming any of you for this... that would just be silly.. I don't suppose its fair for me to bare the burden of guilt alone but.. it is what it is... I watched from a distance while the forum slowly died all fucking year.. if it wasn't for Bryan83 it would have already died... he has grasped at straws from his phone and xbone trying to keep things moving.. it just hasn't happened.. doesn't seem like its going to.. With how I am socially it probably never was going to.. sure I need/needed help growing the forum in sheer numbers but ultimately I would need to lead the charge in one way or anther and I just am not up to that... I was in the beginning but now... there just isn't enough of me to manage some big forum.. hell I have a hard time making sense of what we have here now.. yea I know.. I seem like a dumb ass who bit off more than they can chew.. but before you judge me please ask yourself if you could have done better while trying not to die and having your mind all dulled and fucked up by a constant flow of shit like dilaudid, morphine and oxycotton to name a few.. ask yourself if after all that... would you even want to??
I do... I still believe this forum can be what I meant it to be.. just... never in the numbers I thought.. I mean.. with a few dedicated moderators on here and other media I suppose it could happen.. but honestly at this point I don't give a shit one way or the other... I want the forum to be fun again... the hype I built in the beginning before I fucked it all up trying to make it something else.. so my idea.. its a big thing... I want to purge the forum... I wont touch ANYTHING in the community area... I see no need to.. but most of the rest of this shit can go.. and I want to break away from it being an open forum.. I want our users to be more deliberate with using our forum.. My plan is to build a whole world around roleplay.. none of this just using it to get free or cheap stuff.. removing the dealership from the spotlight entirely... the only reason I don't remove it entirely is because I believe that to varying degrees, bryan enjoys playing with it and there are certain functions it can and likely will serve for the the more focused roleplay...
The biggest change I think isn't even the purge tho.. its how we do things around here and who does them... or even who is around to do them.. I have ideas... some amazing stuff mulling around in there.. I know a lot of you do too... there is a song by Alan Walker called Unity that I really really like... Its such a beautiful uplifting song.. and the best part.. its a creation of the "walker" community... many people were involved in the creation of the song and you can tell.. to me it just makes it that much better.. that is how I see the future of the forum.. a group "project"... I want to find a few people who are really into roleplay who want to help see this place into its potential.. we grow it slow and organically.. we don't force it.. but I can't and absolutely wont do it alone.. If you like this forum and what I have tried to do at any point, now would be the time to speak up and make your ideas heard.. this is the chance to change and build the forum from the ground up knowing what we know now.. I am begging... one last time.. I humbly ask each one of you to help me.. The only other viable option is just for me to close the forum and go on about life... but that... well without even the risk of being over dramatic.. that would be crushing for me... I have already lost so much of my life from before getting sick... I don't wanna lose this too... this forum ultimately means more to me than you know.. at this point in my life it represents so much more than a game.. Please... give me your time.. give me your ideas and brilliance.. a bit your of your dedication and potential... please do that I an swear on everything I love in this world that we can do it.. please.. take the time to mull it all over... consider what you could bring to the table.. be it a bit of time.. ideas.. whatever... talk here.. I will monitor this thread closely... we can decide where to go from here.. but please please.. if you are gonna be a judgmental bag of dicks, please just don't and see yourself to the door instead because I don't want you here!